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1- Use as many Q signals as possible. Yes I know they were invented solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two-meter FM, but they are fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what you really meant. i.e. "I'm going to QSY to the kitchen." can you really change frequency to the kitchen? QSL used to mean "I am acknowledging receipt", but now it appears to mean "yes" or "OK." I guess I missed it when the ARRL changed the meaning.
2- Never laugh, when you can say "hi hi." No
one will ever know that you aren't a long time CW ragchewer if
you don't tell them. They'll think you've been on since the days
of Marconi.
3- Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use worked like "destinated"
and "negatory." Its OK to make up words here. "yea
Bill, I pheelbart zaphonix occasionally myself".
4- Always say "XX4XXX (insert your own call) for I.D."
Anything that creates redundancy is strongly encouraged. That's
why we have the Department of Redundancy Department. (Please note
that you can follow your call with "for identification purposes"
instead of "for I.D." While taking longer to say it
is worth more lid points.)
5- The better the copy on two-meter FM, the more you should
phonetically spell your name, especially if it a short or common
one. i.e. "My handle is Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack...
Juliet Alpha Charlie Kilo." If at all possible make up unintelligible
phonetics. "The personal here is Bob... Billibong Oregano
Bumperpool."
6- Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is
(or has been) in the group, whether they are still there or not.
While this has been unnecessary for years, it is still a wonderful
memory test.
7- Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps
people guessing. Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation"
and visa-versa. And even if the two-meter FM amplifier you are
using is a Class C type amp, and thus not biased for linear amplification,
be sure to call it your "linear". Heck refer to all
FM-style amplifiers as "linears". You'll be the king
of the "wrong terminology" hill.
8- If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn,
taking as long as possible before turning it over. Whenever possible
pass it around a few times first. This will discourage the breaker
and, if it is an emergency, will encourage him to switch to another
repeater and not bother you.
9- Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying
to sign out. Never let him get by with a simple yes or no. Make
it a question that will take a long time to answer.
10- The less you know about a subject, the more you should
speculate about it on the air. The amount of time spent on your
speculations should be inversely proportional to your knowledge
on the subject.
11- If someone on the repeater is causing interference,
you should talk about that person at great length, making sure
to comment on at least four out of six of the following:
A. His mental state
B. His family
C. His intelligence, or lack of the same
D.His sexual preference
E. His relationship to small animals
F. His other methods of self entertainment.
12- If you hear two amateurs start a conversation on the
repeater, wait until they are 20 seconds into their contact, and
then break-in to use the patch. Make sure its only a simple routine
phone call. It's also important that you run the autopatch for
at least three minutes. This way, once the two re-establish contact,
they wont remember what they were talking about.
13- You hear someone on the repeater giving directions
to a visiting amateur. Even if the directions are good, make sure
to break-in with your own "alternate route but better way
to get there" version. This is most effective if several
other LID trainees join in, each with a different route. By the
time the amateur wanting directions unscrambles all the street
names whizzing around his head, he should have driven out of range
of the repeater. This keeps you from having to stick around and
help the guy get back out of town later.
14- Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing
others from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your
quest is to make people so sick of hearing your voice every time
they turn on their radio, they'll move to another frequency. This
way you'll lighten the load on the repeater, leaving even more
time for you to talk on it.
15- See just how much flutter you can generate by operating
at handheld power levels too far away from the repeater. Engage
people in conversations when you know they wont be able to copy
half of what your saying. Even when they say your uncopyable,
continue to string them along by making further transmissions.
See just how frustrated you can make the other amateur before
he finally signs off in disgust.
16- Give out wacky radio advice. When a newcomer's signal
is weak into the repeater, tell him he can correct the problem
by adjusting the volume and squelch knobs on his radio. Or tell
people they are full quieting except for the white noise on their
signal. Or..... well, you get the idea.
17- Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel
important using words ordinary people don't say. Who cares if
it makes you sound like you just fell off Channel 19 on the citizen's
Band? Use phrases such as "Roger on that", "10-4",
"I'm on the side", "Your making the trip"
and "Negatory on that".
18- Use excessive microphone gain. See just how loud you
can make your audio. Make sure the audio gain is so high that
other amateurs can hear any bugs crawling on your floor. If mobile,
make sure the wind noise is loud enough that others have to strain
to pick your words out from all the racket.
19- Be as verbose as possible. Never say "yes"
when you can say "He acquiesced in the affirmative by saying
'yes'" (No kidding, I actually heard that one).
20- Start every transmission with the word "Roger"
or "QSL". Sure, you don't need to acknowledge that you
received the other transmission in full. After all, you would
simply ask for a repeat if you missed something. But consider
it your gift to the other amateur to give him solace every few
seconds that his transmissions are being received.
21- When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say
you're "listening" or "monitoring" multiple
times. I've always found that at least a half dozen times or so
is good. Repeating your multiple "listening" ID's every
10 to 15 seconds is even better. Those people who didn't want
to talk to you will eventually call you, hoping you'll go away
after you have finally made a contact.
22- Give out repeater FM signal reports using the HF SSF
R-S system ("You're 5 by 9 here"). Sure it's considered
improper for FM operation and you may even confuse some people,
but don't let that spoil your fun!
23- Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other
station easily on simplex ... especially if you can make the contact
on simplex. The coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely
proportional to your distance from the other station.
24- If you and the other station are both within a mile
or two of the repeater you are using, you should always give a
signal report ("I'm sitting under the repeater and I know
you can see it from there, but you're full quieting into the repeater.
Ho about me?").
25- In the same vein as the previous step, when monitoring
a repeater, you should always give signal reports as if the repeater
didn't exist ("Yep, I'm right under the repeater. You've
got a whopping signal! You're S-9 plus 60. That must be a great
rig!")
26- When on repeaters using courtesy tones, you should
always say "over". Courtesy tones are designed to let
everyone know when you have unkeyed but don't let that stop you.
Say "over", "back to you" or "go ahead".
It serves no useful purpose but don't worry, it's still fun!
27- Think up interesting and bizarre things to do to tie
up the repeater. The goal here is not to facilitate communications,
but to entertain all the scanner listeners out there. Do something
original. Try to hum CTCSS (PL) tones. Sing pager tones (You're
getting the idea).
28- Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine
calls... especially during morning or evening commute times. While
pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let them know you'll
be there in two minutes.... or, call your spouse to complain about
the bad day you had at work. After all, the club has "measured
rate" service on their phone line so they get charged for
each autopatch call. Your endeavor is to make so many patches
in a year that you cost the club at least $20 in phone bills.
That way you'll feel you got your money's worth for your dues!
29- Never say "My name is ....." It makes you
sound human. If at all possible, use one of the following phrases:
"The personal here is ..."
"The handle here is..."
30- Use "73" and "88" incorrectly.
Both are already considered plural, but add a "s" to
the end anyway. Say "73's" or "88's". Who
cares if it means "best regardses" and "love and
kisseses." Better yet, say "seventy thirds"! (By
the way, seventy thirds equals about 23. .
31- Make people think you have a split personality by referring
to yourself in the plural sense. When you're in conversation and
are alone at your radio, always say "We're" or "We've"
instead of "I'm" or "I've" (ex. "we've
been doing this...", "we're doing that...", "we're
clear"). Everyone knows you're by yourself, but when they
ask you who is with you, make up somebody important like Arnold
Schwarzenegger or Bill Clinton or better yet, tell them your royalty.
32- Always attempt to use the higher functions of the repeater
before you have read the directions. Nothing will work, but you'll
have great fun and get lots of people to give you advice. This
works even better after a six-pack of beer.
33- Test repeater functions repeatedly (that's why they
call it a repeater!) Test your signal strength from the same location
several times every day. Concentration on testing the things that
really matter, like the number of time the repeater has been keyed-up.
That stuff is fun to track. Test the outside temperature as often
as possible. The farther the temperature goes from the norms,
the more often you should test it. Also, if you get a pager set
to the repeater's output frequency, as soon as you receive it,
set it off every 30 seconds or so until the battery runs down.
Better yet, interrupt conversations to test it.
34- If the repeater is off the air for service, complain
about the fact that it was off the air as soon as it's turned
back on. Act as though your entire day has been ruined because
the repeater wasn't available when you wanted to use it.
35- Find ways to get around the "no business"
rule on autopatches. Your plan is to try and fool the repeater
control operators. Invent code words your secretary at work will
understand to disguise any business talk so it sounds like personal
chatter. Or get to be friends with the local Domino's Pizza manager.
Make it so that when you call him on the patch and ask him to
bring over the "floppy disk" you need to your house,
he shows up 30 minutes later with a piping hot pepperoni and sausage
pie. The possibilities are endless!